Beliefs

Let me just say that I neither believe nor disbelieve in anything. I think some ideas make better sense than others. I try not to judge things too much. I accept that intuition is often beset by our own desires. It seems to me that most people wrap their experiences around their beliefs instead of the other way around (which makes more sense to me). Like my boss who after hearing lengthy stories from me and a coworker about our experiences with what most folks generally describe as ghosts... He sat back for a minute and then said "Well I dont really believe in that sort of thing." and then he got up and left without saying anything more. I guess he just assumed that we were hallucinating or just idiots, or perhaps making it up.
It seems as though in the last few decades as the West intermingles more with the East that folks are quick to pick up on ideas they like such as Karma. I've met countless people that just accept it as a fact of life. Its sort of like the new Hell in many circles. Its that force which makes us feel better about all the bad people in the world who get ahead in life by being evil. "Well its ok karma (hell) will get them in the end." And then we sleep better. But I've known far to many people who live in fear because of their notions of karma. This works the same way ideas of Hell work, keeping people in line with what they consider to be good and in perpetual state of worry about the retribution that the Cosmos will invoke upon them for all their "bad" deeds. Now I certainly think its not a terrible thing to have ideas in our culture that perpetuate love of our fellow living beings. But in all my life I've never seen a single bit of evidence to make me think that Karma actually exists as a force of reality. I guess people generally pick it up from folks whos wisdom they trust. Most of the people I know who buy into it do so because their psychic told them it was so, or because they think that the Buddah said it was so. As I understand it, the idea of karma evolved from ancient religions in India. Allegedly Sidartha (the Buddah), bought into this as well. But Sidartha never really wrote any texts that have been found. So all we really have there is hearsay from people who claimed to have known an enlightened dude thousands of years ago. For me its a flimsy foundation for lifes paradigms. Personally I'd be more inclined to rely on personal experiences as well as those of people that I know and trust. In my own experiences I've certainly seen the golden rule at work. If you do nice things for people (and they know that it was you who did it ) then they'll be more inclined to do nice things for you later, and vice versa. Somebody once said that karma is "Justice without the satisfaction". I'd like to believe in karma, ...but I don't.
I really do like to keep an open mind, as I said in my opening. Maybe some day I'll believe in karma. Maybe some day I'll believe in the Easter Bunny.
Maybe next time I'll attack "the Secret" and peoples notions of "manifesting" reality.

Sufferin' Succotash

I've recently realized just how far gone my mental state has been lately into darkness. I've told a few people that I've not felt myself lately. But I'm feeling down and Im almost embarressed to say it because I've been down that road so many times. You'd think I'd have figured out how to deal by now. I really wish I could say that I was feeling positive, but all I can say about that is that its a goal.
It'll pass
I guess its mostly the last week that was sucky. THe day before my birthday my unemployment got cut off. I need a job ASAP. Im looking into menial labor jobs right now. I've found that a lot of friends I used to work with are also unemployed. The market is looking grim.
It'll pass
I was lucky enough to be in a big art show on Saturday. I was in a gallery among famous artists like Mark Ryden and the Clayton Brothers. I thought maybe it would yield some opportunity, and maybe I could make some connections at the show. But as I discovered, the rich and powerful people at the show were there to socialize and not to do business. One by one the pieces in the show got sold. I kept looking to see if mine got bought. FInally by the end of the night there were about 45 pieces that sold and about 5 that didnt including mine. I felt pretty bad about that. As I commented to a friend at the show I felt like I'd been brought back to junior high PE class when team captains pick all their teammates, and it was always me and the fat kid at the end.
It'll pass
Ok something good... the gym. Last week I was in a really shitty mood and I went to the gym and came out feeling like a million bucks... well not really but I was soo much better than when I went in. yes this is something good. Arnold said something about getting high off endorphins "its like Im at da gym all day and I get so high dere its like Im comming! And den I go to da shows and stand up in fwont of evwybody and again its like Im comming on all of dem!!". Ahh the gym is good and that much keeps me going.
This too shall pass
really? that one too?
Yes...

Rocktober

I feel like I've been sent back to go without collecting my $200. All these things that were sorta working fine a year ago with my girl and my apartment are gone now. My career shriveled up a year before that. Life was really pretty good way back then. But not I must figure out what to do with myself. I said something about that back in February when I moved in here, but I've not figured it yet. Too many ideas. Too many options but not enough momentum. I'd love to move to France or Canada. Id even like to join some farming collective in Northern Cali. I'd love to live in San Francisco. I could do freelance illustration work, or I could do gallery work. I guess I've always had the problem of being indecisive. I tend to spend all day trying to figure out what to have for breakfast. FUCK!! The samurai used to say that any important decision should be made in the space of 7 breaths. I should just focus on work in general and see where that takes me. I really need a job so I can get out of here. Last week I found my oldest brother (the 40something year old virgin) spying on me through the cracks in my door. I guess he just has nothing better to do.
Im in an art show this coming weekend. Its a charity event to raise money for some scholarship fund for some girl who died who I never knew. There are some famous artists like Mark Ryden in the show. Like him , I just submitted a print. Its good PR I guess. Im probably not as excited as I should be. I was supposed to be in an art show last week as well. Sams gf Nouar had offered to put me in a gallery show she was in charge of. I spent a week working on it, and then I asked her and she said that it was overbooked and there was no room for me. I told her I had stuff in progress and she said ok well maybe. She then told me that it wasnt her call and that shed have to check with the gallery and see. I asked her a couple days later and she said she hadnt heard from them and I should just finish the art for the show. But I had the chance to do freelance work for actiongirls.com and didnt really have time to do both. So I went with actiongirls.com since she seemed flakey and unsure. Later I talked with Sam and he got all defensive of her and there was some drama.
Vach and I played some of the old star wars RPG saturday. That was good. Looking forward to more of it in the future.
Maybe my next journal should be about all my stuff breaking. In the last month my car, my i pod and my camera all broke. THe car got fixed, but my workouts just got much harder without the i pod. Need an mp3 player
Thats all for now.

Updates and Journals

Its been over a year since I wrote anything here. I guess the events of the last year were a bit too much to write about till now. Yesterday would've been my girlfriends birthday if she were still around. I've found with this whole thing that its just best if I dont tell anybody when I meet them because people just don't know what to say or how to react. But the web I think is safer since we're not face to face. Anyhow my girlfriend Euni Kang and I had been a couple for about 6 years and last year she got pregnant. Not only was she pregnant, but with twin boys. Our plan was to leave Los Angeles and go to a small town or community. But then some guy broke into her place and raped her and stabbed her to death. I wish I was making this up... It was actually a top news story all week here in LA. You can find all sorts of awful details about it if you do a google search on rape, pregnant, twins, Venice. Though I did write this for her and I think it came out nice
[link]
Anyhow I could write a book or two about this but I'll be brief I moved back in with my family and have sorta dropped off the map for most of the last year. Its been a learning and growing experience for me. Generally it hasn't been as bad as I would've thought it would be. I feel her spirit has been with me helping to guide my way. Some folks have tried to educate me on what to expect as far as stages and how long each would take. They were all wrong so far. I guess everybody is different in how they react to things. Perhaps I'll write more about this later. Questions and comments are welcome. Generally people are terrified to even broach the subject with me. As I said, most people except for my really close friends, try to ignore it and get all quiet if I happen to bring it up. Thats a whole other aspect that perhaps merits another future journal. Anyhow Im going to try to keep this journal weekly. Somebody kick me if I forget (Mr B?)