Late night thoughts

Its late, just past midnight. Im up working on an illustration for a job proposal. Its fairly morbid subject matter. Im illustrating an undead zombie corpse.
My mood is fairly morbid along with the illustration. Im thinking of the past again.
In 10 days it'll be a year since my girl and our two sons were murdered. They were'nt born yet. If you didnt hear the story maybe read my journal from Oct 4.
My mood is bad. It will pass. That is all I can say right now.

15 Laps

So I've been going down to the beach to run the stairs lately. When I say run I really do mean walk. About half a mile from the beach in Santa Monica there is this big ass hill and its got stairs on it. Somehow its caught on as a good place to go do cardio exercise. It works for a lot of reasons. When I first saw them I thought it looked kinda short. But after a trip down and back to the top I realized how much it was. Its not so much long as just really steep. Most cardio training that I know is more of an endurance thing, with a half hour of heart pumping low intensity work. The stairs are basically 2 minutes of crushing paces followed by (for me) about 4 minutes of rest, and repeated a few times. Its in a way more like weight training. Its good for strength as well as endurance. (this is kinda boring but theres nothing else worth writing about today) Its not the same as doing the stairmaster at the gym. It employees use of ego. At the stairs, everybody can see if you're going slow like an old lady and everybody passes you. Nobody says anything or actually cares, but most of us (certainly myself included), feel the need to keep pace with the everybody else. Its in a way like joining a cardio class. Theres flow and momentum created by everybody else doing it. Does that make sense?
My first trip to the stairs was early in the year. After about 4 laps I was done. I wanted to throw in the towel and go home. I rested a bit as my friend Vach did another 4 or 5 laps. I pushed myself a bit and did a 5th. After that I was exhausted all weekend. So Ive been going for a while ususally once every couple weeks and trying to do one more each time. I'd gotten up to 12 and that felt like quite a bit for me. Anyhow, Id not gone in a while. Yesterday I went on my own and did 15 laps. I actually felt I could have done more but by the time I left it was dark and I had to move my car. I think the main thing that helped was having done lots of leg workouts at the gym. It was a pretty good feeling yesterday, though not such a good feeling today for my legs. Im a bit wobbly now.

Mr. Sensitive

I've found that since my girlfriend was murdered that Im somehow more sensitive to things than I used to be. Things that used to bother me only a little seem to bother me a lot more this year. I'm not talking about all things, so much as interactions with people. I think in some ways Im bothered less by trivial matters that seem to be a big deal to a lot of folks. But I find that with friends Im just more sensitive or something. There have been a few people in my life and...actually as I write this Im seeing the light of understanding. I love my friends. But they can't always be there for me. They have lives to lead. But this last year I've had so many harsh emotions brewing that I get really upset when I try to lean on friends and they're not there. With about 3 or 4 good friends I've found that I tend to overreact if they're not there for me my first thought is that I should just cut them out of my life and write them off for good. But thats crazy. I know its crazy even when Im feeling it inside. In general I guess I have a lot of subsurface feelings that I'm barely aware of. I tend to blow up for no good reason. The thing that I realize now though is that its like a sort of defense mechanism. I think deep down theres a part of me thats just incredibly defensive thinking that at any moment with anybody around me that they might just suddenly be dead and gone.
I'm trying to imagine how soldiers in war deal. I guess its never easy. Training to be a soldier in the US its now mandatory to undergo psych training to prevent suicide upon returning from a combat zone.
Lotta folks suggested therapy. I probably should have. Maybe when my life becomes more settled.

My Stuff Keeps Breaking!

Sometimes I think my life is cursed. Lately all my stuff keeps breaking. At Burning Man my lovely high end digital camera broke. Dust got into the servos and now it won't go. Last week it was my favorite cooking appliance, my wok. The handle broke and I cant afford another one right now. Yesterday when I got up in the morning to make my oatmeal I found that my slowcooker had a big crack in the handle and was about to fall apart. I thought it would be ok if I was just careful with it. When I went to plug it in there was a pop and sparks spit out of the electric outlet as well as the part where the chord attaches to the machine. I've no idea what happened but now the rubber is all melted away exposing bear wire. The odd part is that it still seems to work, though with the rubber melted away its only a matter of time before the leads tear out. Not more than an hour after that I turned on my TV (my awesome gigantic 40" TV) and it seemed to break as well. At first I had sound but not picture. Then I had only a fuzzy discolored image. I think the green laser is outta wack since the whole thing looks washed out and sorta reddish. And I got less than $100 in my name and no way to fix any of it all. I suspect my computer will be next.
OK I guess its not really a big deal. Its just stuff, but its bringing me down and I had to talk about it. Maybe I should just give up on stuff and go live in a commune.

Windy Day

Did I promise a new journal every week? I Wrote 2 a couple weeks ago so doesnt that earn me a week off?
Anyhow its a windy day, Cloud is bugging me for attention, and my brother is in the next room talking about his wifes Dad. Once again I find myself in the poorhouse trying to pinch every penny. I guess not much new. I didnt go camping even once this year (unless you count Burning Man). I kinda miss camping. I think its too late in the year to go. Camping like any good vacation revitalizes and energizes me. Certain people do that too. Also , certain combinations of people. I'd really like to fix my life such that Im around those sort of people more.
I did some sketching today. I've not done any drawing for fun in ages. Comicon inspired me. When my life is more together, I really need to get back into the figure drawing workshops at art center. OK... back to jobhunting

Halloween

Im not sure what that icon means. It looks like theres a worm burrowing its way into the guys head...

I had a great time this weekend at the Long Beach Comicon! Many thanx to Chris and Josh for getting me to come out and join in. I guess I've always had a hard time getting myself to join in with stuff, (Im more of a watcher and a thinker), but when I do its usually pretty fun. I met some great people and one guy actually looked at my portfolio! He was just another artist. Mostly I just handed out business cards and asked around for advice on how to break into the biz. The general consensus was the same as what Ive gotten about the fine art scene and the entertainment industry. Its all bout who ya know. Networking! Its not so much that Im terrible at networking as, I just dont like doing it. Something about it feels unnatural and wrong for me sorta like vomiting. Its supposed to go out the other way!! So I guess talent is no substitute for connections. There was certainly an awful lot of both at the convention. I guess being more of a painter than a drawer, I get pretty impressed and blow away by what folks do with drawing. My god some of the talented comic book artists were so good I felt dizzy looking at their books. Its equally inspiring and intimidating. Anyhow, I guess if I had money to blow I would've bought some junk. I used to love going to conventions to buy stuff. But in recent years I've gotten less enthusiastic about having stuff. Maybe after moving a couple times it became more of a burden to me than a cherished collection.

After the con, my friends and I went to Hooters. Somehow I was way more into the fried chicken sandwich than any of the girls there. Im not quite sure how they made it so good but that sandwich was just outrageously delicious! Maybe it was the fact that it was rolled in their signature hotwing sauce. Maybe it was the accompaniment of a pitcher of beer. I gotta try to replicate that one some time.