Those Crazy Mayans

So Im watching this special on the 2012 thing. They're talking about the Mayans and their ideas. Now I've heard all kinds of theories about 2012 and armageddon. But Im a bit surprised about some of these Mayan ideas. According to this show on National Geographic channel, the Maya used to think that people were made of different stuff during the different ages of mankind outlined by their calender. According to the Mayans people were made of mud during the 2nd age of mankind. And I think it was the 3rd age that featured humans made of masa flour (corn). Wow! And I thought silicon based life was a stretch! They were also really into sacrifices. They seemed to really enjoy cutting people open and pulling out the heart in front of an audience. This was considered publicly acceptable. I guess morality is just a fashionable thing. I wonder if human sacrifice will ever be publicly ok again. Perhaps it will be some new reality TV show in a few hundred years.

Endorphins

I dunno why Im writing a journal today. I've got nothing to say really. I think I wanted to make the last one go away because it was so negative. Anyhow Im not really feeling any better or more fufilled in life, but I did get a good workout last night. At least it was good in the sense of producing endorphins. I always feel pretty good after a proper workout. I gotta remember that one. I'd go again tonight but I have neither money for the gas nor useable muscles. Im sorta maxed out on muscle groups I can work and everything above the ribcage hurts. Though we could do a leg workout or core, but I do wanna go run down at the beach tomorrow.
I still need a job. I still need to figure out what to do with my life. Though its not so much figuring out as finding the best path. Living at home with my mother and brothers without any income is not it.

Late night thoughts

Its late, just past midnight. Im up working on an illustration for a job proposal. Its fairly morbid subject matter. Im illustrating an undead zombie corpse.
My mood is fairly morbid along with the illustration. Im thinking of the past again.
In 10 days it'll be a year since my girl and our two sons were murdered. They were'nt born yet. If you didnt hear the story maybe read my journal from Oct 4.
My mood is bad. It will pass. That is all I can say right now.

15 Laps

So I've been going down to the beach to run the stairs lately. When I say run I really do mean walk. About half a mile from the beach in Santa Monica there is this big ass hill and its got stairs on it. Somehow its caught on as a good place to go do cardio exercise. It works for a lot of reasons. When I first saw them I thought it looked kinda short. But after a trip down and back to the top I realized how much it was. Its not so much long as just really steep. Most cardio training that I know is more of an endurance thing, with a half hour of heart pumping low intensity work. The stairs are basically 2 minutes of crushing paces followed by (for me) about 4 minutes of rest, and repeated a few times. Its in a way more like weight training. Its good for strength as well as endurance. (this is kinda boring but theres nothing else worth writing about today) Its not the same as doing the stairmaster at the gym. It employees use of ego. At the stairs, everybody can see if you're going slow like an old lady and everybody passes you. Nobody says anything or actually cares, but most of us (certainly myself included), feel the need to keep pace with the everybody else. Its in a way like joining a cardio class. Theres flow and momentum created by everybody else doing it. Does that make sense?
My first trip to the stairs was early in the year. After about 4 laps I was done. I wanted to throw in the towel and go home. I rested a bit as my friend Vach did another 4 or 5 laps. I pushed myself a bit and did a 5th. After that I was exhausted all weekend. So Ive been going for a while ususally once every couple weeks and trying to do one more each time. I'd gotten up to 12 and that felt like quite a bit for me. Anyhow, Id not gone in a while. Yesterday I went on my own and did 15 laps. I actually felt I could have done more but by the time I left it was dark and I had to move my car. I think the main thing that helped was having done lots of leg workouts at the gym. It was a pretty good feeling yesterday, though not such a good feeling today for my legs. Im a bit wobbly now.

Mr. Sensitive

I've found that since my girlfriend was murdered that Im somehow more sensitive to things than I used to be. Things that used to bother me only a little seem to bother me a lot more this year. I'm not talking about all things, so much as interactions with people. I think in some ways Im bothered less by trivial matters that seem to be a big deal to a lot of folks. But I find that with friends Im just more sensitive or something. There have been a few people in my life and...actually as I write this Im seeing the light of understanding. I love my friends. But they can't always be there for me. They have lives to lead. But this last year I've had so many harsh emotions brewing that I get really upset when I try to lean on friends and they're not there. With about 3 or 4 good friends I've found that I tend to overreact if they're not there for me my first thought is that I should just cut them out of my life and write them off for good. But thats crazy. I know its crazy even when Im feeling it inside. In general I guess I have a lot of subsurface feelings that I'm barely aware of. I tend to blow up for no good reason. The thing that I realize now though is that its like a sort of defense mechanism. I think deep down theres a part of me thats just incredibly defensive thinking that at any moment with anybody around me that they might just suddenly be dead and gone.
I'm trying to imagine how soldiers in war deal. I guess its never easy. Training to be a soldier in the US its now mandatory to undergo psych training to prevent suicide upon returning from a combat zone.
Lotta folks suggested therapy. I probably should have. Maybe when my life becomes more settled.

My Stuff Keeps Breaking!

Sometimes I think my life is cursed. Lately all my stuff keeps breaking. At Burning Man my lovely high end digital camera broke. Dust got into the servos and now it won't go. Last week it was my favorite cooking appliance, my wok. The handle broke and I cant afford another one right now. Yesterday when I got up in the morning to make my oatmeal I found that my slowcooker had a big crack in the handle and was about to fall apart. I thought it would be ok if I was just careful with it. When I went to plug it in there was a pop and sparks spit out of the electric outlet as well as the part where the chord attaches to the machine. I've no idea what happened but now the rubber is all melted away exposing bear wire. The odd part is that it still seems to work, though with the rubber melted away its only a matter of time before the leads tear out. Not more than an hour after that I turned on my TV (my awesome gigantic 40" TV) and it seemed to break as well. At first I had sound but not picture. Then I had only a fuzzy discolored image. I think the green laser is outta wack since the whole thing looks washed out and sorta reddish. And I got less than $100 in my name and no way to fix any of it all. I suspect my computer will be next.
OK I guess its not really a big deal. Its just stuff, but its bringing me down and I had to talk about it. Maybe I should just give up on stuff and go live in a commune.

Windy Day

Did I promise a new journal every week? I Wrote 2 a couple weeks ago so doesnt that earn me a week off?
Anyhow its a windy day, Cloud is bugging me for attention, and my brother is in the next room talking about his wifes Dad. Once again I find myself in the poorhouse trying to pinch every penny. I guess not much new. I didnt go camping even once this year (unless you count Burning Man). I kinda miss camping. I think its too late in the year to go. Camping like any good vacation revitalizes and energizes me. Certain people do that too. Also , certain combinations of people. I'd really like to fix my life such that Im around those sort of people more.
I did some sketching today. I've not done any drawing for fun in ages. Comicon inspired me. When my life is more together, I really need to get back into the figure drawing workshops at art center. OK... back to jobhunting

Halloween

Im not sure what that icon means. It looks like theres a worm burrowing its way into the guys head...

I had a great time this weekend at the Long Beach Comicon! Many thanx to Chris and Josh for getting me to come out and join in. I guess I've always had a hard time getting myself to join in with stuff, (Im more of a watcher and a thinker), but when I do its usually pretty fun. I met some great people and one guy actually looked at my portfolio! He was just another artist. Mostly I just handed out business cards and asked around for advice on how to break into the biz. The general consensus was the same as what Ive gotten about the fine art scene and the entertainment industry. Its all bout who ya know. Networking! Its not so much that Im terrible at networking as, I just dont like doing it. Something about it feels unnatural and wrong for me sorta like vomiting. Its supposed to go out the other way!! So I guess talent is no substitute for connections. There was certainly an awful lot of both at the convention. I guess being more of a painter than a drawer, I get pretty impressed and blow away by what folks do with drawing. My god some of the talented comic book artists were so good I felt dizzy looking at their books. Its equally inspiring and intimidating. Anyhow, I guess if I had money to blow I would've bought some junk. I used to love going to conventions to buy stuff. But in recent years I've gotten less enthusiastic about having stuff. Maybe after moving a couple times it became more of a burden to me than a cherished collection.

After the con, my friends and I went to Hooters. Somehow I was way more into the fried chicken sandwich than any of the girls there. Im not quite sure how they made it so good but that sandwich was just outrageously delicious! Maybe it was the fact that it was rolled in their signature hotwing sauce. Maybe it was the accompaniment of a pitcher of beer. I gotta try to replicate that one some time.

Beliefs

Let me just say that I neither believe nor disbelieve in anything. I think some ideas make better sense than others. I try not to judge things too much. I accept that intuition is often beset by our own desires. It seems to me that most people wrap their experiences around their beliefs instead of the other way around (which makes more sense to me). Like my boss who after hearing lengthy stories from me and a coworker about our experiences with what most folks generally describe as ghosts... He sat back for a minute and then said "Well I dont really believe in that sort of thing." and then he got up and left without saying anything more. I guess he just assumed that we were hallucinating or just idiots, or perhaps making it up.
It seems as though in the last few decades as the West intermingles more with the East that folks are quick to pick up on ideas they like such as Karma. I've met countless people that just accept it as a fact of life. Its sort of like the new Hell in many circles. Its that force which makes us feel better about all the bad people in the world who get ahead in life by being evil. "Well its ok karma (hell) will get them in the end." And then we sleep better. But I've known far to many people who live in fear because of their notions of karma. This works the same way ideas of Hell work, keeping people in line with what they consider to be good and in perpetual state of worry about the retribution that the Cosmos will invoke upon them for all their "bad" deeds. Now I certainly think its not a terrible thing to have ideas in our culture that perpetuate love of our fellow living beings. But in all my life I've never seen a single bit of evidence to make me think that Karma actually exists as a force of reality. I guess people generally pick it up from folks whos wisdom they trust. Most of the people I know who buy into it do so because their psychic told them it was so, or because they think that the Buddah said it was so. As I understand it, the idea of karma evolved from ancient religions in India. Allegedly Sidartha (the Buddah), bought into this as well. But Sidartha never really wrote any texts that have been found. So all we really have there is hearsay from people who claimed to have known an enlightened dude thousands of years ago. For me its a flimsy foundation for lifes paradigms. Personally I'd be more inclined to rely on personal experiences as well as those of people that I know and trust. In my own experiences I've certainly seen the golden rule at work. If you do nice things for people (and they know that it was you who did it ) then they'll be more inclined to do nice things for you later, and vice versa. Somebody once said that karma is "Justice without the satisfaction". I'd like to believe in karma, ...but I don't.
I really do like to keep an open mind, as I said in my opening. Maybe some day I'll believe in karma. Maybe some day I'll believe in the Easter Bunny.
Maybe next time I'll attack "the Secret" and peoples notions of "manifesting" reality.

Sufferin' Succotash

I've recently realized just how far gone my mental state has been lately into darkness. I've told a few people that I've not felt myself lately. But I'm feeling down and Im almost embarressed to say it because I've been down that road so many times. You'd think I'd have figured out how to deal by now. I really wish I could say that I was feeling positive, but all I can say about that is that its a goal.
It'll pass
I guess its mostly the last week that was sucky. THe day before my birthday my unemployment got cut off. I need a job ASAP. Im looking into menial labor jobs right now. I've found that a lot of friends I used to work with are also unemployed. The market is looking grim.
It'll pass
I was lucky enough to be in a big art show on Saturday. I was in a gallery among famous artists like Mark Ryden and the Clayton Brothers. I thought maybe it would yield some opportunity, and maybe I could make some connections at the show. But as I discovered, the rich and powerful people at the show were there to socialize and not to do business. One by one the pieces in the show got sold. I kept looking to see if mine got bought. FInally by the end of the night there were about 45 pieces that sold and about 5 that didnt including mine. I felt pretty bad about that. As I commented to a friend at the show I felt like I'd been brought back to junior high PE class when team captains pick all their teammates, and it was always me and the fat kid at the end.
It'll pass
Ok something good... the gym. Last week I was in a really shitty mood and I went to the gym and came out feeling like a million bucks... well not really but I was soo much better than when I went in. yes this is something good. Arnold said something about getting high off endorphins "its like Im at da gym all day and I get so high dere its like Im comming! And den I go to da shows and stand up in fwont of evwybody and again its like Im comming on all of dem!!". Ahh the gym is good and that much keeps me going.
This too shall pass
really? that one too?
Yes...

Rocktober

I feel like I've been sent back to go without collecting my $200. All these things that were sorta working fine a year ago with my girl and my apartment are gone now. My career shriveled up a year before that. Life was really pretty good way back then. But not I must figure out what to do with myself. I said something about that back in February when I moved in here, but I've not figured it yet. Too many ideas. Too many options but not enough momentum. I'd love to move to France or Canada. Id even like to join some farming collective in Northern Cali. I'd love to live in San Francisco. I could do freelance illustration work, or I could do gallery work. I guess I've always had the problem of being indecisive. I tend to spend all day trying to figure out what to have for breakfast. FUCK!! The samurai used to say that any important decision should be made in the space of 7 breaths. I should just focus on work in general and see where that takes me. I really need a job so I can get out of here. Last week I found my oldest brother (the 40something year old virgin) spying on me through the cracks in my door. I guess he just has nothing better to do.
Im in an art show this coming weekend. Its a charity event to raise money for some scholarship fund for some girl who died who I never knew. There are some famous artists like Mark Ryden in the show. Like him , I just submitted a print. Its good PR I guess. Im probably not as excited as I should be. I was supposed to be in an art show last week as well. Sams gf Nouar had offered to put me in a gallery show she was in charge of. I spent a week working on it, and then I asked her and she said that it was overbooked and there was no room for me. I told her I had stuff in progress and she said ok well maybe. She then told me that it wasnt her call and that shed have to check with the gallery and see. I asked her a couple days later and she said she hadnt heard from them and I should just finish the art for the show. But I had the chance to do freelance work for actiongirls.com and didnt really have time to do both. So I went with actiongirls.com since she seemed flakey and unsure. Later I talked with Sam and he got all defensive of her and there was some drama.
Vach and I played some of the old star wars RPG saturday. That was good. Looking forward to more of it in the future.
Maybe my next journal should be about all my stuff breaking. In the last month my car, my i pod and my camera all broke. THe car got fixed, but my workouts just got much harder without the i pod. Need an mp3 player
Thats all for now.

Updates and Journals

Its been over a year since I wrote anything here. I guess the events of the last year were a bit too much to write about till now. Yesterday would've been my girlfriends birthday if she were still around. I've found with this whole thing that its just best if I dont tell anybody when I meet them because people just don't know what to say or how to react. But the web I think is safer since we're not face to face. Anyhow my girlfriend Euni Kang and I had been a couple for about 6 years and last year she got pregnant. Not only was she pregnant, but with twin boys. Our plan was to leave Los Angeles and go to a small town or community. But then some guy broke into her place and raped her and stabbed her to death. I wish I was making this up... It was actually a top news story all week here in LA. You can find all sorts of awful details about it if you do a google search on rape, pregnant, twins, Venice. Though I did write this for her and I think it came out nice
[link]
Anyhow I could write a book or two about this but I'll be brief I moved back in with my family and have sorta dropped off the map for most of the last year. Its been a learning and growing experience for me. Generally it hasn't been as bad as I would've thought it would be. I feel her spirit has been with me helping to guide my way. Some folks have tried to educate me on what to expect as far as stages and how long each would take. They were all wrong so far. I guess everybody is different in how they react to things. Perhaps I'll write more about this later. Questions and comments are welcome. Generally people are terrified to even broach the subject with me. As I said, most people except for my really close friends, try to ignore it and get all quiet if I happen to bring it up. Thats a whole other aspect that perhaps merits another future journal. Anyhow Im going to try to keep this journal weekly. Somebody kick me if I forget (Mr B?)

Deviant Art

It seems like every time I come back to Deviant Art, they've moved shit around and changed things that didn't need changing. It seems like an ever increasing demand to give them money and become a member. This used to be a great free site. When they first added the critique option, that shit was free. But now you have to be a member to do it. Thats soo silly and just darn greedy!! I'm still gonna write and get critiques in the comments section. And theres just more ads than there were. Few things in life piss me off like ads. I dont hate things easily, but I hate ads. First it was the ones that would only make noise if you dragged your cursor over them. But now its these blatantly evil ads that just come on and start going whenever Im lookin at art. Nothing on the net bothers me more than an invasion of my audio space. Its even more annoying than back in the days of myspace, when someone would put a song on their page and you had to hear it if you went onto their page.
Im seriously considering just deleting all my stuff from Deviant art because of these ads. I already got a website which I mostly use just for professional work. I really like some of the features of DA, but these stupid ads almost outweigh it all. I used to stop by this site almost daily but lately its less and less because of all these stupid changes and ads. ANd while IM griping, does anybody know how the heck to get the money you earned form the prints you sell? I know I've sold a bunch but there were no notifications, no "collect your money here" links. Gee its almost as if they dont want me to get my share. Hmm

Oh and look heres another one. If I got "premium membership" I could have Jounal Skins!! Wow if only I could have a journal skin, by life would be complete!