Psychic Intuition and Food

Ive often thought that psychic intuition was something very unreliable and irregular. Far too often we mistake wishful thinking, paranoia, imagination, and self delusion for psychic vision. I've seen people devote their lives to meditation and various rituals trying to further themselves up what they consider to be the ladder of enlightenment. But it never seems to help them in life. Though lately I do occasionally see it working for me. Ive never tried to do it but I find when I get intuition with cooking it helps. I cook a lot. Sometimes when Im putting in something I get a feeling that its maybe too much of one thing or another. I always fuck it up if I dont pay attention. Sometimes, I get a sudden thought that when something is cooking that I need to go check it. I've saved quite a few dishes from burning that way. Maybe it is a useful thing. Maybe I should lend more credence to the notion of using ESP. Maybe I shouldn't have put all those raddishes in my coleslaw. I had a feeling about that when I was doing it.

Rut

I find myself in a rut lately. My mindset is pretty stable, yet I think its a fragile foundation. It takes very little to put me in a funk. I have recently mastered the art of notdoing. I have a long list of things I should/ought/need to do but I've completely ignored it. Without a daily routine or job its hard to self enforce discipline. I think a big part of the problem is not having a clear destination/goal. The economy is so fucked it seems impossible to set any long term plans. On the other hand, my health and fitness is good. I still go to the gym about 5 days a week. I eat better than I used to.
Thats all for now...

Those Crazy Mayans

So Im watching this special on the 2012 thing. They're talking about the Mayans and their ideas. Now I've heard all kinds of theories about 2012 and armageddon. But Im a bit surprised about some of these Mayan ideas. According to this show on National Geographic channel, the Maya used to think that people were made of different stuff during the different ages of mankind outlined by their calender. According to the Mayans people were made of mud during the 2nd age of mankind. And I think it was the 3rd age that featured humans made of masa flour (corn). Wow! And I thought silicon based life was a stretch! They were also really into sacrifices. They seemed to really enjoy cutting people open and pulling out the heart in front of an audience. This was considered publicly acceptable. I guess morality is just a fashionable thing. I wonder if human sacrifice will ever be publicly ok again. Perhaps it will be some new reality TV show in a few hundred years.

Endorphins

I dunno why Im writing a journal today. I've got nothing to say really. I think I wanted to make the last one go away because it was so negative. Anyhow Im not really feeling any better or more fufilled in life, but I did get a good workout last night. At least it was good in the sense of producing endorphins. I always feel pretty good after a proper workout. I gotta remember that one. I'd go again tonight but I have neither money for the gas nor useable muscles. Im sorta maxed out on muscle groups I can work and everything above the ribcage hurts. Though we could do a leg workout or core, but I do wanna go run down at the beach tomorrow.
I still need a job. I still need to figure out what to do with my life. Though its not so much figuring out as finding the best path. Living at home with my mother and brothers without any income is not it.

Late night thoughts

Its late, just past midnight. Im up working on an illustration for a job proposal. Its fairly morbid subject matter. Im illustrating an undead zombie corpse.
My mood is fairly morbid along with the illustration. Im thinking of the past again.
In 10 days it'll be a year since my girl and our two sons were murdered. They were'nt born yet. If you didnt hear the story maybe read my journal from Oct 4.
My mood is bad. It will pass. That is all I can say right now.

15 Laps

So I've been going down to the beach to run the stairs lately. When I say run I really do mean walk. About half a mile from the beach in Santa Monica there is this big ass hill and its got stairs on it. Somehow its caught on as a good place to go do cardio exercise. It works for a lot of reasons. When I first saw them I thought it looked kinda short. But after a trip down and back to the top I realized how much it was. Its not so much long as just really steep. Most cardio training that I know is more of an endurance thing, with a half hour of heart pumping low intensity work. The stairs are basically 2 minutes of crushing paces followed by (for me) about 4 minutes of rest, and repeated a few times. Its in a way more like weight training. Its good for strength as well as endurance. (this is kinda boring but theres nothing else worth writing about today) Its not the same as doing the stairmaster at the gym. It employees use of ego. At the stairs, everybody can see if you're going slow like an old lady and everybody passes you. Nobody says anything or actually cares, but most of us (certainly myself included), feel the need to keep pace with the everybody else. Its in a way like joining a cardio class. Theres flow and momentum created by everybody else doing it. Does that make sense?
My first trip to the stairs was early in the year. After about 4 laps I was done. I wanted to throw in the towel and go home. I rested a bit as my friend Vach did another 4 or 5 laps. I pushed myself a bit and did a 5th. After that I was exhausted all weekend. So Ive been going for a while ususally once every couple weeks and trying to do one more each time. I'd gotten up to 12 and that felt like quite a bit for me. Anyhow, Id not gone in a while. Yesterday I went on my own and did 15 laps. I actually felt I could have done more but by the time I left it was dark and I had to move my car. I think the main thing that helped was having done lots of leg workouts at the gym. It was a pretty good feeling yesterday, though not such a good feeling today for my legs. Im a bit wobbly now.

Mr. Sensitive

I've found that since my girlfriend was murdered that Im somehow more sensitive to things than I used to be. Things that used to bother me only a little seem to bother me a lot more this year. I'm not talking about all things, so much as interactions with people. I think in some ways Im bothered less by trivial matters that seem to be a big deal to a lot of folks. But I find that with friends Im just more sensitive or something. There have been a few people in my life and...actually as I write this Im seeing the light of understanding. I love my friends. But they can't always be there for me. They have lives to lead. But this last year I've had so many harsh emotions brewing that I get really upset when I try to lean on friends and they're not there. With about 3 or 4 good friends I've found that I tend to overreact if they're not there for me my first thought is that I should just cut them out of my life and write them off for good. But thats crazy. I know its crazy even when Im feeling it inside. In general I guess I have a lot of subsurface feelings that I'm barely aware of. I tend to blow up for no good reason. The thing that I realize now though is that its like a sort of defense mechanism. I think deep down theres a part of me thats just incredibly defensive thinking that at any moment with anybody around me that they might just suddenly be dead and gone.
I'm trying to imagine how soldiers in war deal. I guess its never easy. Training to be a soldier in the US its now mandatory to undergo psych training to prevent suicide upon returning from a combat zone.
Lotta folks suggested therapy. I probably should have. Maybe when my life becomes more settled.