Summer

Its hot. I guess that means it must be Summer. Most folks around here get excited about California summers. I could see how that would be fun if it got cold here during the winters. For me the winters here are mild enough to be just right.
I guess theres nothing much important going on if Im talking about the weather.
My friend Andrew invited me to display my artwork at his upcoming Space Station show. Its a good opportunity and I really appreciate the energy he brings into any given situation. Though the day after I agreed to do it, I realized another option. That same day (actually the day before) is the launch of the last ever space shuttle mission. Ive been trying to fathom where to spend my next holiday and that sure sounds fun. Not only could I see the launch of the shuttle but I fancied going out to see the Florida Keys. I've always wanted to sample key lime pie from Key West. I also have a friend who might be going. The only drawbacks are that its kinda short notice and it'll all cost a lot of money. Im still trying to hold onto my money for the Burning Man festival.
So what should I do?
Its a tough choice and Ive been debating it the last few days. I think my default mode will be just to do the show and save my money. I don't really think anything will come of this other than maybe meeting some cool people and possibly some networking. But I really do need to save my money for a ton of things like glasses, dental exams, clothes, car stuff, and a trip to Europe. I've been obsessing about the Alps lately for some reason.
So what else is new? I went to the gym yesterday with Vach. It was the first time we went since he had his 2nd kid. I've been out for a while since Sam and John are not available to go lately. Wow I'm sooooo sore!! But I was buzzing off the endorphins all day yesterday and that was good. Last night I made fresh pretzels drizzled with chocolate. I think they came out really yummy.
Last week I did a new DVD cover for Scotty JX and that was fun. Hes always a fun person to work with and this latest job was no exception. We were talking about an Actiongirls BBQ. He always has way more ideas than can be done, but I'm gonna bug him about this one until he does it.
ok thats enough for now.

My Love and Hatred of Apple producrs

I'm sure I'm not the only one.
I once found myself watching a series of short films with about 50 other people. One of these films was just a guy going on about all the things he hated about apple computers. He was going on and on about all the things about the operating system that don't make sense, and all the things about the interface that are counter intuitive. At the end of the movie he says that he only ever uses apple computers and that he made the film on one. Now most of the folks in the audience were sitting there not really sure what the hell the guy was talking about. Probably 45 of the 50 people were clearly PC people and just didn't get it. But I and about 5 other people were practically in tears rolling on the floor with laughter.
Like the guy in the movie, I have a lot of issues with Apple products and services. And like that guy, I only ever use Apple computers. Its a total love hate thing. It really hit home recently when I got my first i phone. I just love my i phone. Its soo cool! But the only problem is that I cant currently sync it up with my Mac. To sync the i phone up with the Mac, I need i Tunes 10.0 or later. Now i Tunes is free, but I can't get 10.0 or later until I get a newer operating system. The latest is 10.6 but I can't get that because it requires a mac with an Intell processor. My mac was from the last non Intell batch that was made. At home I run OS 10.4, and I can go up to 10.5 to get the newer i Tunes that I need but its just a big pain in the ass! They know what they're doing over at Apple. They sure know how to make money with great products. Technology is like a great stampede of bulls and if you wanna run with the bulls you gotta keep up. If you don't keep up you'll get trampled. So that means buy the latest stuff even though it costs a lot more than PC products.
Now I've considered using PC's and then I've tried PC's and it always reminds me of why I love Apple computers so much more. Apple products are the shit! I love everything they make. My i pod has long been one of my most prized possessions. My i phone is great too and my new favorite toy. Apple computer has to be one of the most useful and innovative companies in our country. They've opened up one of the largest growth industries for this decade. Smart phone apps are huge and blowing up like the internet did in the 90's. Its global and I know a lot of folks who owe their careers to the innovators over at Apple. I really doubt we'd have that market if it weren't for the i phone. In an age where more and more companies are outsourcing labor abroad, we need all the industry we can hang onto locally.
Apple products are the shit and I love them. Their constant upgrades are overly demanding and I hate them. At least for the time being, we have achieved balance.

Homesick

I had a strange dream last night. I went to Burning Man and realized that I forgot all my gear! It was a fairly typical anxiety dream. Whats odd is that I just started a new job as a supervisor in my waking life and had not a single worry or anxiety about that. Anyhow in this dream I went to Burning Man and it was all indoors at some dusty old convention center. It was small and lame and felt like a low energy Trekkie convention or a trip to MySpace. It was really sad and I was trying to convince my friend Cooper that it wasn't so bad, and that we could recreate all the good times of old once again. I think its time to start my annual Burning Man poster.

The Deep End

After 2 and a half years of being mostly out of work, Im suddenly swamped!! A few months ago on a whim I sent an email to a guy I'd freelanced before. Actually I also used to work with him fulltime about 10 years ago. Anyhow he got swamped with work and needed some help. I was there every day last week for about 12 hours a day. In the middle of the week, I got a call from some folks I'd interviewed with over at Art Center. They want me to work there on a permanent basis!! I now have 2 jobs, one semi full time and permanent at Art Center and one freelance contract job. I've told both employers about the other and theres no conflict. I'll be at Art Center in the mornings and working at Hipzone in the afternoons and early evenings.

The first job is Art Center and its not a teaching job but a staff position. I'll be running the prop room and telling the student employees what to do. I'm a manager now!! There are a lot of great things about this gig , though the pay isn't one of them sadly. I worked in the prop room when I was a student so that makes it much easier as I know exactly what to expect. My old supervisor Wendy who used to do the job I'll be doing, moved up to model office supervisor , and she'll be my boss once again. Shes really cool and fun to work with. Another perk is being in the Art Center environment. Its like the Shaolin Temple for artists and theres a lot of good energy and inspiration there.

The second job is Hipzone. That's the contract work. Hipzone is the complete opposite of the Art Center job in that the only good thing about it is the pay. Though they've been pretty understanding and flexible about giving me the room to come in after my other job to work there. Its not a fun laid back place to work. It's a small , stuffy entity which outsources most of its labor to China. The rest is divided up between one office in monterey park , and a photo studio over at the Brewery in downtown. Its high end photo retouching (China does all the simple stuff).

Its been pretty odd going from sitting at home unemployed to being swamped. I've found it a major task staying focused and concentrating on a job all day. It feels like I've dived into the deep end of employment. I'm pretty exhausted from the last week and have spent most of the day today gearing up for the coming storm of work. I've been making food, doing laundry etc. I'll need to go to bed early as I start at the school tomorrow at 7 am. Im really excited about the new life I'm about to start. I'm looking forward to having money again. I've got endless holes of debt that need to be filled, but it'll be nice not having to always borrow money from people. In the back of my mind, I'm already toying with ideas of what to do with my extra money. Maybe I'll get a smartphone. As it is I dont even have a phone of my own, just the family landline. Maybe I'll take a vacation somewhere, or get an i pad. Wit my schedule as it is, I won't even have time to go out spending. For now, that's probably a good thing.

Hope and Fear

Last week was all about the fear.
First it was my usual worries about job and money, which I have neither of. I had worries galore and then the worries all went away as I saw the prospects of getting a job. There is an opening at my old school Art Center in Pasadena. Its not a teaching job, but just a staff position. Id be supervising the prop room looking after students who've enrolled in the Federal Work Study Program. Its a roll I am quite familiar with as I used to be in the program when I was as student. I'd be working for my good friend Wendy who was the supervisor when I was in the program as a student. So all around good prospects there. My fears dissolved and were soon replaced by another...
Shortly after getting home from the interview, another worry took over. We found a stray cat had taken residence under our house. There is a little crawl space and after some recent rain and cold weather, this cat had decided it was a good place to camp out. So after some coaxing and persuading we got the kitty to come out and we isolated him in the garage. This was no alley cat, this was clearly a well fed and groomed domestic kitty. Now my worries about job and money had been replaced by the cat. I have a huge softspot for cats and considered it my obligation to take care of this cat. The cat was starving hungry, but in pretty good shape. We put him in a carrier and spent the afternoon and evening going around the neighborhood trying to find if the cat lived locally. Eventually we found that the kitty had come from a house around the corner and down the street. The people who owned the cat were quite retarded and backwards. They had big dogs which lived inside the house, and a little kitty who lived outside the house. I only met a young boy who seemed to be home alone and not especially thrilled that the cat had been brought back. I told him that if I ever found his cat wandering the neighborhood with neither collar, nor nametag, that I'd come back in the middle of the night and kill him and his parents (like I said, I have a softspot for cats). My fears dissolved and were soon replaced by another...
I got an email from a friend. This was an economic forecast. It was pretty grim. Now I've heard whispers of rising oil prices leading to higher food prices and the effects it would all have on the recovering economy. Now the last time my friends warned me with economic forecasting, it was about 8 years ago, and they told me that the economy was about to crash and that I should invest every penny I had in gold. I wish I'd had more money to invest at the time, but what I had I put into gold. I doubled my money in about 5 years. That was good. The current forecast for the economy is not so good. Mostly its the problem with rising gas prices and the global reserve currency. The US dollar has been the consistent global reserve currency for decades, but lately as our economy has been failing, more and more international trading has been done using other currencies. This is very bad for our economic recovery and the more I look at it the more likely I think things are just gonna get worse. Rising prices of gas will lead to rising food prices which could even lead to food shortages and riots. Its a big complicated mess and Im no expert, but my intuition says that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better.
This week has been all about hope.
I spent the last 4 days helping my friend move and I always feel good when I have the opportunity to help a friend in need. I've been kicking back today and for the next few days I've got some freelance work. I get to go back and work for some people Ive worked for in the past. Its not a fun job, but it pays well. That gives me hope. I've not heard back from the folks at Art Center but Im hopeful about that as well.

More Odd Dreams

Well I guess there aren't a lot of normal dreams, but I had so many strange dreams last night I just felt like writing some of them down. The first was a trip to Burning Man but this time instead of being out in the Nevada desert, it was on a secretly built US spacestation. It was part of the classified government run space program, though it wasn't much of a secret after the burn. It was sorta like the deathstar except it was maybe a bit smaller, not quite finished, and the level we were on was completely open without walls. It was just a gigantic circular room with a high ceiling. There were a few areas where there were loading shafts without any guardrails and if you weren't careful, you could just walk into one of these shafts that dropped off for hundreds of stories. It wasn't a danger though because they had turned off the gravity in those areas. So of course people were having lots of fun floating about over these areas. At a certain point I had a long hose I'd found and tied about myself and I wanted to float outside the station where there was no gravity, but air for some reason. I was using the hose as a lifeline, and had the other end tied to the station. Im not sure why the government run space program had volunteered their secret station for burning man or why the burners all trusted the man, but it was a lot of fun. When I got back to Earth somehow I got into a conversation with some people about government secrets and they didnt think that there were any big ones and I stood up and said "Oh really? Well I've got a whopper to tell you about!..."
The next memorable part of my dreaming was when I got a job on Attack of the Show. I don't know what I was doing there or why but I was just amazed at how little the folks at that office got done. We all went out to lunch and Sara Jean Underwood went with us. We all set out on foot down the street to some place they all liked. I think it was Melrose or Wilshire, but it was all huge and sorta reminded me of Tokyo. We made several stops along the way at a bar, a comic book shop, and a video game place. I kept thinking we were taking way to long with lunch but they assured me that this was their normal routine. By the time we got to the restaurant we'd been gone for about 3 hours. The place felt like a cabin or lodge and was out in a sorta hilly backwoods area. I ran into some old friends there and we all sat down for some mean BBQ.
I think the family dog woke me up after tha

Dreams

Ive had some odd dream experiences lately.
Yesterday I awoke from a rather odd dream which featured my friend Vach complaining about his runflat tires on his minicooper. He has this rather fancy little car with fancy little tires on it that are supposed to run even when flat. I dunno how it works but a few months ago one of them went flat. The tires are soo fancy that he has to go downtown to the dealership to get it taken care of. It costs hundreds of dollars to replace one of these special tires. He had it done and it the new one is also flat. I guess its a problem with the car. Anyhow, its been a problem for a few months that his special runflat tire has been the most flat tire he's ever had. So I had a dream where he was complaining about the tire. I thought that it was odd that my dream focused on someone else that way, so I mentioned it to him. He said he also had a dream about his tire and lots of him complaining about it. Was it the same dream? Was it a coincidence? Ive had shared dreams in the past with a girl that I was really close to.

I had another strange dream last night about money and financial problems. Ive been out of work for almost 2 years and my unemployment has totally dried up. Its been a constant concern. Ive considered going off into the forrest and living as a wildman. But I dont think thats the best thing for me right now. Anyhow, in this dream I had made the choice to go into a type of suspended animation /frozen in carbonite kinda thing. I intended to stay there untill the economy got better. I was in a room with a bunch of strangers who had made a similar choice and we were all getting ready to go under. They gave us these pills and it was kinda psychadelic and there were a ton of hoops to jump through, forms to fill out etc beforehand. I kept having these visions of money with fairly evil satanic designs on it and somehow I realized that I was in some degree of control over my vision of reality. I kept telling myself to manifest something nice. Eventually I started to have second thoughts about skipping out on the next decade. I got a phone call from a wise old man (somehow I knew that he was someone who had died a long time ago and he was calling me from heaven or wherever) Now if that wasn't odd enough I knew that all the world was a stage and that we were all actors in a grand old story, and that the guy whod been cast to play the wise old mentor was in fact Donald Sutherland. I knew this but carried on in my role as Chris Chanaud. I talked to the guy and took his sage advice. At a certain point I went out of the clinic I was in and there was a sort of waiting room and I saw the guy and spoke to him face to face. I went back in the clinic to fill out some more forms. I got another call from him and as our conversation puttered out I finished by saying something like this... " You know instead of being a sage, you coulda gone into broadcasting...Yeah you got a great voice. You sound just like Donald Sutherland" and then I hung up.

Psychic Intuition and Food

Ive often thought that psychic intuition was something very unreliable and irregular. Far too often we mistake wishful thinking, paranoia, imagination, and self delusion for psychic vision. I've seen people devote their lives to meditation and various rituals trying to further themselves up what they consider to be the ladder of enlightenment. But it never seems to help them in life. Though lately I do occasionally see it working for me. Ive never tried to do it but I find when I get intuition with cooking it helps. I cook a lot. Sometimes when Im putting in something I get a feeling that its maybe too much of one thing or another. I always fuck it up if I dont pay attention. Sometimes, I get a sudden thought that when something is cooking that I need to go check it. I've saved quite a few dishes from burning that way. Maybe it is a useful thing. Maybe I should lend more credence to the notion of using ESP. Maybe I shouldn't have put all those raddishes in my coleslaw. I had a feeling about that when I was doing it.

Rut

I find myself in a rut lately. My mindset is pretty stable, yet I think its a fragile foundation. It takes very little to put me in a funk. I have recently mastered the art of notdoing. I have a long list of things I should/ought/need to do but I've completely ignored it. Without a daily routine or job its hard to self enforce discipline. I think a big part of the problem is not having a clear destination/goal. The economy is so fucked it seems impossible to set any long term plans. On the other hand, my health and fitness is good. I still go to the gym about 5 days a week. I eat better than I used to.
Thats all for now...

Those Crazy Mayans

So Im watching this special on the 2012 thing. They're talking about the Mayans and their ideas. Now I've heard all kinds of theories about 2012 and armageddon. But Im a bit surprised about some of these Mayan ideas. According to this show on National Geographic channel, the Maya used to think that people were made of different stuff during the different ages of mankind outlined by their calender. According to the Mayans people were made of mud during the 2nd age of mankind. And I think it was the 3rd age that featured humans made of masa flour (corn). Wow! And I thought silicon based life was a stretch! They were also really into sacrifices. They seemed to really enjoy cutting people open and pulling out the heart in front of an audience. This was considered publicly acceptable. I guess morality is just a fashionable thing. I wonder if human sacrifice will ever be publicly ok again. Perhaps it will be some new reality TV show in a few hundred years.

Endorphins

I dunno why Im writing a journal today. I've got nothing to say really. I think I wanted to make the last one go away because it was so negative. Anyhow Im not really feeling any better or more fufilled in life, but I did get a good workout last night. At least it was good in the sense of producing endorphins. I always feel pretty good after a proper workout. I gotta remember that one. I'd go again tonight but I have neither money for the gas nor useable muscles. Im sorta maxed out on muscle groups I can work and everything above the ribcage hurts. Though we could do a leg workout or core, but I do wanna go run down at the beach tomorrow.
I still need a job. I still need to figure out what to do with my life. Though its not so much figuring out as finding the best path. Living at home with my mother and brothers without any income is not it.

Late night thoughts

Its late, just past midnight. Im up working on an illustration for a job proposal. Its fairly morbid subject matter. Im illustrating an undead zombie corpse.
My mood is fairly morbid along with the illustration. Im thinking of the past again.
In 10 days it'll be a year since my girl and our two sons were murdered. They were'nt born yet. If you didnt hear the story maybe read my journal from Oct 4.
My mood is bad. It will pass. That is all I can say right now.

15 Laps

So I've been going down to the beach to run the stairs lately. When I say run I really do mean walk. About half a mile from the beach in Santa Monica there is this big ass hill and its got stairs on it. Somehow its caught on as a good place to go do cardio exercise. It works for a lot of reasons. When I first saw them I thought it looked kinda short. But after a trip down and back to the top I realized how much it was. Its not so much long as just really steep. Most cardio training that I know is more of an endurance thing, with a half hour of heart pumping low intensity work. The stairs are basically 2 minutes of crushing paces followed by (for me) about 4 minutes of rest, and repeated a few times. Its in a way more like weight training. Its good for strength as well as endurance. (this is kinda boring but theres nothing else worth writing about today) Its not the same as doing the stairmaster at the gym. It employees use of ego. At the stairs, everybody can see if you're going slow like an old lady and everybody passes you. Nobody says anything or actually cares, but most of us (certainly myself included), feel the need to keep pace with the everybody else. Its in a way like joining a cardio class. Theres flow and momentum created by everybody else doing it. Does that make sense?
My first trip to the stairs was early in the year. After about 4 laps I was done. I wanted to throw in the towel and go home. I rested a bit as my friend Vach did another 4 or 5 laps. I pushed myself a bit and did a 5th. After that I was exhausted all weekend. So Ive been going for a while ususally once every couple weeks and trying to do one more each time. I'd gotten up to 12 and that felt like quite a bit for me. Anyhow, Id not gone in a while. Yesterday I went on my own and did 15 laps. I actually felt I could have done more but by the time I left it was dark and I had to move my car. I think the main thing that helped was having done lots of leg workouts at the gym. It was a pretty good feeling yesterday, though not such a good feeling today for my legs. Im a bit wobbly now.

Mr. Sensitive

I've found that since my girlfriend was murdered that Im somehow more sensitive to things than I used to be. Things that used to bother me only a little seem to bother me a lot more this year. I'm not talking about all things, so much as interactions with people. I think in some ways Im bothered less by trivial matters that seem to be a big deal to a lot of folks. But I find that with friends Im just more sensitive or something. There have been a few people in my life and...actually as I write this Im seeing the light of understanding. I love my friends. But they can't always be there for me. They have lives to lead. But this last year I've had so many harsh emotions brewing that I get really upset when I try to lean on friends and they're not there. With about 3 or 4 good friends I've found that I tend to overreact if they're not there for me my first thought is that I should just cut them out of my life and write them off for good. But thats crazy. I know its crazy even when Im feeling it inside. In general I guess I have a lot of subsurface feelings that I'm barely aware of. I tend to blow up for no good reason. The thing that I realize now though is that its like a sort of defense mechanism. I think deep down theres a part of me thats just incredibly defensive thinking that at any moment with anybody around me that they might just suddenly be dead and gone.
I'm trying to imagine how soldiers in war deal. I guess its never easy. Training to be a soldier in the US its now mandatory to undergo psych training to prevent suicide upon returning from a combat zone.
Lotta folks suggested therapy. I probably should have. Maybe when my life becomes more settled.

My Stuff Keeps Breaking!

Sometimes I think my life is cursed. Lately all my stuff keeps breaking. At Burning Man my lovely high end digital camera broke. Dust got into the servos and now it won't go. Last week it was my favorite cooking appliance, my wok. The handle broke and I cant afford another one right now. Yesterday when I got up in the morning to make my oatmeal I found that my slowcooker had a big crack in the handle and was about to fall apart. I thought it would be ok if I was just careful with it. When I went to plug it in there was a pop and sparks spit out of the electric outlet as well as the part where the chord attaches to the machine. I've no idea what happened but now the rubber is all melted away exposing bear wire. The odd part is that it still seems to work, though with the rubber melted away its only a matter of time before the leads tear out. Not more than an hour after that I turned on my TV (my awesome gigantic 40" TV) and it seemed to break as well. At first I had sound but not picture. Then I had only a fuzzy discolored image. I think the green laser is outta wack since the whole thing looks washed out and sorta reddish. And I got less than $100 in my name and no way to fix any of it all. I suspect my computer will be next.
OK I guess its not really a big deal. Its just stuff, but its bringing me down and I had to talk about it. Maybe I should just give up on stuff and go live in a commune.

Windy Day

Did I promise a new journal every week? I Wrote 2 a couple weeks ago so doesnt that earn me a week off?
Anyhow its a windy day, Cloud is bugging me for attention, and my brother is in the next room talking about his wifes Dad. Once again I find myself in the poorhouse trying to pinch every penny. I guess not much new. I didnt go camping even once this year (unless you count Burning Man). I kinda miss camping. I think its too late in the year to go. Camping like any good vacation revitalizes and energizes me. Certain people do that too. Also , certain combinations of people. I'd really like to fix my life such that Im around those sort of people more.
I did some sketching today. I've not done any drawing for fun in ages. Comicon inspired me. When my life is more together, I really need to get back into the figure drawing workshops at art center. OK... back to jobhunting

Halloween

Im not sure what that icon means. It looks like theres a worm burrowing its way into the guys head...

I had a great time this weekend at the Long Beach Comicon! Many thanx to Chris and Josh for getting me to come out and join in. I guess I've always had a hard time getting myself to join in with stuff, (Im more of a watcher and a thinker), but when I do its usually pretty fun. I met some great people and one guy actually looked at my portfolio! He was just another artist. Mostly I just handed out business cards and asked around for advice on how to break into the biz. The general consensus was the same as what Ive gotten about the fine art scene and the entertainment industry. Its all bout who ya know. Networking! Its not so much that Im terrible at networking as, I just dont like doing it. Something about it feels unnatural and wrong for me sorta like vomiting. Its supposed to go out the other way!! So I guess talent is no substitute for connections. There was certainly an awful lot of both at the convention. I guess being more of a painter than a drawer, I get pretty impressed and blow away by what folks do with drawing. My god some of the talented comic book artists were so good I felt dizzy looking at their books. Its equally inspiring and intimidating. Anyhow, I guess if I had money to blow I would've bought some junk. I used to love going to conventions to buy stuff. But in recent years I've gotten less enthusiastic about having stuff. Maybe after moving a couple times it became more of a burden to me than a cherished collection.

After the con, my friends and I went to Hooters. Somehow I was way more into the fried chicken sandwich than any of the girls there. Im not quite sure how they made it so good but that sandwich was just outrageously delicious! Maybe it was the fact that it was rolled in their signature hotwing sauce. Maybe it was the accompaniment of a pitcher of beer. I gotta try to replicate that one some time.

Beliefs

Let me just say that I neither believe nor disbelieve in anything. I think some ideas make better sense than others. I try not to judge things too much. I accept that intuition is often beset by our own desires. It seems to me that most people wrap their experiences around their beliefs instead of the other way around (which makes more sense to me). Like my boss who after hearing lengthy stories from me and a coworker about our experiences with what most folks generally describe as ghosts... He sat back for a minute and then said "Well I dont really believe in that sort of thing." and then he got up and left without saying anything more. I guess he just assumed that we were hallucinating or just idiots, or perhaps making it up.
It seems as though in the last few decades as the West intermingles more with the East that folks are quick to pick up on ideas they like such as Karma. I've met countless people that just accept it as a fact of life. Its sort of like the new Hell in many circles. Its that force which makes us feel better about all the bad people in the world who get ahead in life by being evil. "Well its ok karma (hell) will get them in the end." And then we sleep better. But I've known far to many people who live in fear because of their notions of karma. This works the same way ideas of Hell work, keeping people in line with what they consider to be good and in perpetual state of worry about the retribution that the Cosmos will invoke upon them for all their "bad" deeds. Now I certainly think its not a terrible thing to have ideas in our culture that perpetuate love of our fellow living beings. But in all my life I've never seen a single bit of evidence to make me think that Karma actually exists as a force of reality. I guess people generally pick it up from folks whos wisdom they trust. Most of the people I know who buy into it do so because their psychic told them it was so, or because they think that the Buddah said it was so. As I understand it, the idea of karma evolved from ancient religions in India. Allegedly Sidartha (the Buddah), bought into this as well. But Sidartha never really wrote any texts that have been found. So all we really have there is hearsay from people who claimed to have known an enlightened dude thousands of years ago. For me its a flimsy foundation for lifes paradigms. Personally I'd be more inclined to rely on personal experiences as well as those of people that I know and trust. In my own experiences I've certainly seen the golden rule at work. If you do nice things for people (and they know that it was you who did it ) then they'll be more inclined to do nice things for you later, and vice versa. Somebody once said that karma is "Justice without the satisfaction". I'd like to believe in karma, ...but I don't.
I really do like to keep an open mind, as I said in my opening. Maybe some day I'll believe in karma. Maybe some day I'll believe in the Easter Bunny.
Maybe next time I'll attack "the Secret" and peoples notions of "manifesting" reality.

Sufferin' Succotash

I've recently realized just how far gone my mental state has been lately into darkness. I've told a few people that I've not felt myself lately. But I'm feeling down and Im almost embarressed to say it because I've been down that road so many times. You'd think I'd have figured out how to deal by now. I really wish I could say that I was feeling positive, but all I can say about that is that its a goal.
It'll pass
I guess its mostly the last week that was sucky. THe day before my birthday my unemployment got cut off. I need a job ASAP. Im looking into menial labor jobs right now. I've found that a lot of friends I used to work with are also unemployed. The market is looking grim.
It'll pass
I was lucky enough to be in a big art show on Saturday. I was in a gallery among famous artists like Mark Ryden and the Clayton Brothers. I thought maybe it would yield some opportunity, and maybe I could make some connections at the show. But as I discovered, the rich and powerful people at the show were there to socialize and not to do business. One by one the pieces in the show got sold. I kept looking to see if mine got bought. FInally by the end of the night there were about 45 pieces that sold and about 5 that didnt including mine. I felt pretty bad about that. As I commented to a friend at the show I felt like I'd been brought back to junior high PE class when team captains pick all their teammates, and it was always me and the fat kid at the end.
It'll pass
Ok something good... the gym. Last week I was in a really shitty mood and I went to the gym and came out feeling like a million bucks... well not really but I was soo much better than when I went in. yes this is something good. Arnold said something about getting high off endorphins "its like Im at da gym all day and I get so high dere its like Im comming! And den I go to da shows and stand up in fwont of evwybody and again its like Im comming on all of dem!!". Ahh the gym is good and that much keeps me going.
This too shall pass
really? that one too?
Yes...

Rocktober

I feel like I've been sent back to go without collecting my $200. All these things that were sorta working fine a year ago with my girl and my apartment are gone now. My career shriveled up a year before that. Life was really pretty good way back then. But not I must figure out what to do with myself. I said something about that back in February when I moved in here, but I've not figured it yet. Too many ideas. Too many options but not enough momentum. I'd love to move to France or Canada. Id even like to join some farming collective in Northern Cali. I'd love to live in San Francisco. I could do freelance illustration work, or I could do gallery work. I guess I've always had the problem of being indecisive. I tend to spend all day trying to figure out what to have for breakfast. FUCK!! The samurai used to say that any important decision should be made in the space of 7 breaths. I should just focus on work in general and see where that takes me. I really need a job so I can get out of here. Last week I found my oldest brother (the 40something year old virgin) spying on me through the cracks in my door. I guess he just has nothing better to do.
Im in an art show this coming weekend. Its a charity event to raise money for some scholarship fund for some girl who died who I never knew. There are some famous artists like Mark Ryden in the show. Like him , I just submitted a print. Its good PR I guess. Im probably not as excited as I should be. I was supposed to be in an art show last week as well. Sams gf Nouar had offered to put me in a gallery show she was in charge of. I spent a week working on it, and then I asked her and she said that it was overbooked and there was no room for me. I told her I had stuff in progress and she said ok well maybe. She then told me that it wasnt her call and that shed have to check with the gallery and see. I asked her a couple days later and she said she hadnt heard from them and I should just finish the art for the show. But I had the chance to do freelance work for actiongirls.com and didnt really have time to do both. So I went with actiongirls.com since she seemed flakey and unsure. Later I talked with Sam and he got all defensive of her and there was some drama.
Vach and I played some of the old star wars RPG saturday. That was good. Looking forward to more of it in the future.
Maybe my next journal should be about all my stuff breaking. In the last month my car, my i pod and my camera all broke. THe car got fixed, but my workouts just got much harder without the i pod. Need an mp3 player
Thats all for now.